I need that someone.
My heart aches anytime I see couples together- they have something I feel like i'll never have. i'm not very confident as is, but i yearn for that acceptance, that love, that knowing i'll always have one person to hold me and cherish me. i don't feel like it's possible for me though. why am i not good enough?
i watch boyfriend tags on youtube. i watch the romantic movies. and then a hole opens up in my chest- it feels like i'm hungry, yet queasy. i'm yearning for something, and my heart tells me i can't have it. we learned about self-esteem in health, but this is different. it isnt just a matter of feeling good about myself. i genuinely feel like it's physically impossible to gain that in my life.
i remember one day i was in the halls at school, and we were talking about the fast approaching valentine's day. I remembered how much i hate the holiday. and i said it. one of the guys in the group looked at me and said, "It's probably because you can't get a boyfriend." the words were rude, yes, but they held so much more weight than that. he affirmed what i felt in my own heart- someone agreed with my own fears; they proved them true. i knew if i stayed a moment longer, the tears would come too fast, my throat would get thick, and id be stranded with a sea of people to mock me with their pity. i stood and walked away fast, my eyes scrunching and my legs carrying me to the girls bathroom where he couldn't find me. and i knew he would try- the minute he said it he realized something was wrong. i could hear his friends chastising him. but i didn't like it. the longer they dwelled on it, the longer i would be on display, whether i was there or not. i sat in a stall, put in my headphones, and drowned in the sadness of the music and my heart. if i heard footsteps i would cry more quietly. when they left, so would my inhibitions. I remember on valentines day he left a note on my locker to show he was sorry, but in my heart it made it worse. i knew he didnt like me. the note was a sick joke. to make me think i was loved when really, it was an "i'm sorry" card. and it brought back all the words he had said to me that day.