Oh Hey.... Update?

Oh my... this blog has been slightly neglected. A brief overview is due for you guys!

So sophomore year was... well horrible. I was put on anti-depressants and anxiety medication for a good amount of the year. The first day with these was overly happy- it was like I had some kind of trippy, happy-rasta-Bob-Marley drug. I went around in a hugely good mood. However, the next day was the complete opposite. I felt like breaking down if I moved. It was horrible. I almost couldn't handle it- I needed to leave Health Class at one point to go cry with one of my friends. While the rest of the year wasn't as intense, I still had bouts of depression at times that I couldn't shake.

Then summer came. I felt like all of the depression and anxiety I had was purely associated with sophomore year. I felt like it was over once school was- I started to get better.

I am now pleased to announce that I have not needed anti-depressants for 6 weeks now. I know very few people will see this. I understand. But I want those of you who read this to understand that the old cliché is true- it does get better. And you don't have to be at rock bottom for it to start getting better. When you start to feel the symptoms of depression, even if it's just a few days in a row of sadness, get help. You shouldn't have to get to the en of your rope to realize what help is out there. I really believe that depression creeps up on people- it starts slowly, then hits. Get at it before it hits too hard- there is not such thing as overreacting with this disease.

I  will always be here to talk to. If you or anyone you know has depression of the onset of symptoms, tell me, a friend, an adult, or an ally. Don't suffer by yourself or in silence.

Nicole

Update

Hello :/

So a lot of stuff's been happening. A couple of weeks ago I had a breakdown. It was so scary- I was hyperventilating, and crying, and running around and I didn't know why. I told my mom everything- i want to switch schools, I feel alone in my own house, and I want to see my old therapist again.

I have an appointment this week, Wednesday I think. I'm nervous of course- this time I am going for a diagnosis. I never got that before. And after going through everything in Health class and such, I have a lot of problems. If everything is text-book accurate, I have bi-polar depression, OCD, ADHD, anorexia, and anxiety. While I know I can't make a diagnosis for myself based off of health class, the supporting evidence is there.

Just a thing about the anorexia- I do eat. I love eating actually. But I don't eat breakfast, or lunch. And I eat a pretty light dinner. It's mostly snacks if I actually "pig out". But they were completely right about one thing- I feel fat. Oh so fat. I get really bloated when I eat, so my stomach balloons out and I nearly look preggers. So that doesn't help with me wanting to eat more. This may be going into TMI area, but I'm nearly 16 and haven't even gotten any signs pointing to the fact that I might be close to have my period. Absolutely nothing.

My parents took away my phone, and I can't use the computer after 8, which adds to my feeling alone. Especially seeing as it's vacation, I don't see my friends everyday like I would at school. So basically, I have no human contact or support system.

Lovely.

Someone...

I need that someone.
My heart aches anytime I see couples together- they have something I feel like i'll never have. i'm not very confident as is, but i yearn for that acceptance, that love, that knowing i'll always have one person to hold me and cherish me. i don't feel like it's possible for me though. why am i not good enough?

i watch boyfriend tags on youtube. i watch the romantic movies. and then a hole opens up in my chest- it feels like i'm hungry, yet queasy. i'm yearning for something, and my heart tells me i can't have it. we learned about self-esteem in health, but this is different. it isnt just a matter of feeling good about myself. i genuinely feel like it's physically impossible to gain that in my life.

i remember one day i was in the halls at school, and we were talking about the fast approaching valentine's day. I remembered how much i hate the holiday. and i said it. one of the guys in the group looked at me and said, "It's probably because you can't get a boyfriend." the words were rude, yes, but they held so much more weight than that. he affirmed what i felt in my own heart- someone agreed with my own fears; they proved them true. i knew if i stayed a moment longer, the tears would come too fast, my throat would get thick, and id be stranded with a sea of people to mock me with their pity. i stood and walked away fast, my eyes scrunching and my legs carrying me to the girls bathroom where he couldn't find me. and i knew he would try- the minute he said it he realized something was wrong. i could hear his friends chastising him. but i didn't like it. the longer they dwelled on it, the longer i would be on display, whether i was there or not. i sat in a stall, put in my headphones, and drowned in the sadness of the music and my heart. if i heard footsteps i would cry more quietly. when they left, so would my inhibitions. I remember on valentines day he left a note on my locker to show he was sorry, but in my heart it made it worse. i knew he didnt like me. the note was a sick joke. to make me think i was loved when really, it was an "i'm sorry" card. and it brought back all the words he had said to me that day.